Art Stevens is a Sanibel snowbird.  He has observed Sanibel life for more than thirty years.  His column is your missing link to amassing worthless and meaningless insights into Sanibel life styles.  It is your key to the ridiculous, the off the beaten path, the REAL world of Sanibel as only a nearsighted insider can know it.  Within his columns you will find everything you never wanted to know about Sanibel.  Photo provided
Art Stevens is a Sanibel snowbird. He has observed Sanibel life for more than thirty years. His column is your missing link to amassing worthless and meaningless insights into Sanibel life styles. It is your key to the ridiculous, the off the beaten path, the REAL world of Sanibel as only a nearsighted insider can know it. Within his columns you will find everything you never wanted to know about Sanibel. Photo provided

SHELL SHOCKED: All the Sanibel News That’s Fit to Print

For those of you snow birds that are just now straggling back to Sanibel, there’s a lot to report. November has been a particularly heavy news month and this newspaper just didn’t have the space to report on all of it. The Charmin ads alone occupied sixty per cent of the newspaper.

As a public service, I will devote this space to report the news that was never made available. All of these accounts are indeed in the category of “stop the presses.”

Nov. 1 –Bill Dexter made a note on his calendar to call his good friend Pat Longman the next day to find out how his big toe is.

Nov. 2 – Bill forgets to make the call because he is jostling with fellow shoppers at Noah’s Arc while Pat waits by the phone all day giving up a round of golf in the process. Pat throws his phone out the window that evening and shouts “Let Bill eat cake.”

Nov. 4 – Mary Jones calls a cleaning service to clean her house.

Nov. 5 – Todd Smith sharpens a pencil at 10:45 am.

Nov. 6 – Joe Pacheco, the Sanibel Island poet laureate, asks an audience to choose a subject and he would create a poem on the spot. The subject chosen was garbage collection and Joe demonstrated his brilliance by creating an instant classic called “An Ode to Debris.” Joe also makes a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich on stage which was awarded to the patron who screamed the loudest.

Nov. 7 – Bart Macbeth, a local actor, announced that he would play all the parts in the Sanibel phone directory at an upcoming performance at the Herb Strauss Theater. Tickets will go on sale alphabetically.

Nov. 8 – A raffle drawing to benefit the victims of procrastination went on sale at Bailey’s. First prize is a six-pack of Bic disposable razors.

Nov. 9 - Herb Teabag hiccupped three times during a showing of “Iron Man XXV” at the Sanibel Cinema. He was booed out of the theater.

Nov 12 – Ibuprofen was banned from Sanibel stores when a random survey disclosed that nine out of ten people misspell the word. The acetaminophen industry has distributed dictionaries to the community as a precaution.

Nov. 14 – A pound of Sanibel sea shells is now worth $150 on the commodities exchange.

Nov. 16 – New yellow lines are being planned for SanCap Road, but progress is delayed because of differing opinions on the shade of yellow the road should be. Sanibel’s jet setters prefer a splashy shade of yellow while the tea partiers prefer the mustard variety.

Nov. 18 – A trash holiday is declared by the City Council allowing residents to rummage through their neighbors’ trash to find cups and saucers that were never returned.

Nov 21 – Sanibel tourism now includes a moonlight glimpse of the Sanibel skyline.

Nov. 22 – Today’s astrology predictions for Cancers: pay attention to your subconscious and leave a 20 per cent tip for your waiter. Your inner joy at your newfound largesse will be rewarded by mints on the way out.

Nov. 23 – IRS inspectors surround the home of the Turkesians because the eldest son neglected to declare the proceeds of a 1938 Superman comic book.

Nov. 24– The Sanibel City Council has voted to formalize its new name – the Sanibel City Council.

Nov. 25 – Zonta has joined forces with B’nai B’rith and will henceforth be known as Tanta Zonta.

Nov. 26 – All revocable trusts will now become irrevocable unless, of course, you send a chocolate cake to your IRS representative.

Nov. 27 – Bob Armenian plans to make a long distance call on December 23rd to wish his dad, the Shah of Iran, a happy birthday.

Nov. 28 – Jennie Zilch plans to celebrate St. Jude’s Day by whining for twenty-four consecutive hours.

Nov. 29 – Free adrenaline will be distributed to the first one hundred courage seeking residents at any walk in medical clinic.

Nov. 30 – Bill, a check out clerk at Bailey’s, was relieved of his duties when he was caught flatfooted dangling a participle. His replacement was authorized to use the subjunctive tense in a sentence.

And there you have it. All the news that was never reported.